It's hard

Instead of talking about some broad subject that I think has been misunderstood by one person/group or another, I thought it a good idea to get a little more personal. Many people (mostly people who were born Muslim) have asked me about the circumstances surrounding my conversion and although it would make for a good made-for-TV movie script, it seems to me to be less important - this pivotal & transformational moment in my life - than the daily things that have changed, the difficulties I feel I'm facing in completing & the questions I have. My circumstances also dictate the terms of some of the difficulties I'm facing, and aren't necessarially all to do with my new-found faith.

So I guess, this is it: the confessions part.

Since my conversion, I have not prayed every day on time. And there have been some days when it was like pulling teeth just to make myself get up and pray even once, let alone five times. Learning and praying alone has a bit to do with that. And it's easy to say 'go daily to the Masjid, but when you work full time and are a single mother, then that isn't always an option. And there's no Masjid in my neighbourhood. Alhumdulillah, I have had lots of help from my friends, both new and old, who are there to help with anything I need when I ask: pronounciation, help with memorization, and in the larger Mosque in the area, when I do go, there is always a sister there who will help me with repetition and will teach me more of the chanting method of recitation, which is something that always seems to soothe my soul. I am thankful that this point seems to get easier with time, but even on the days when nothing seems to work, I can come back to my prayer mat, refocus, chant and bow my head, acknowledging 'I know you will not forget me, and I promise to remember you'.

The rest is less a confession and more of a 'I don't know how to handle this' statement.

Ramadan: to be honest, I didn't have too much trouble fasting this past year. My friends teased me a bit saying 'why didn't you wait until after Ramadan to convert? You could make it easy on yourself? Well, what can I say? When our Lord told me to do this, in not so many words, my first thought was not to ask God 'oh, the timing is bad, could we take this issue up in a couple months? ;-) What was difficult on Ramadan (and all the other holidays) is simply the unfamiliarity with the traditions. What is the meaning of it all? OK, the general meaning of Ramadan I think I understand, but then there is the festival Eid...I have so many things to read, I don't think I'll get through the list before the rapture (if I live that long). Anyway, my point is that during Eid, I really hadn't a clue of what I was supposed to do. Unfortunately my friends had been invited with other's to eat, so leaning on them was not an option this time.

Speaking of Eid, what am I supposed to do with my Child? I have the feeling that it will be fine to introduce children of new converts to these traditions in a group, but not to try and make them accept these things at home all at once. We have traditions ourselves, and so I am putting up a tree, not with the intention of committing blasphemy (and to be honest, I think alot of people make too big a deal out of this - the belief in one's heart is not reflected by the clothes they wear nor what decorations they decide to put up in winter. Naturally, I don't use crosses, but then again, I never did: I always thought that sort of thing was gory, and possible wholey inaccurate. Plus, there is a whole sect who celebrates the birthday of Mohammed (PBUH), so why shouldn't people celebrate the birthday of Prophet Jesus (PBUH)? (Nevermind that some biblical historians think he was born in the summer). Tradition. Hum.

Then there is the matter of love and 'half our deen' and all that good stuff. I'm a single mother.

I'm divorced, not old, not young: still have some good eggs in me and lots of love to share: would love to procreate once more but I'm not willing to just marry the first one that's 'good enough' that comes along. Not that there is anything wrong with getting married for stability, but I need love: and I need to be understood, and I worry that my cultural background will cause difficulties in finding a Muslim husband: and I understand the rules laid out about marriage, but I'm not a child anymore and if I mutually fall in love with even an Athiest, who is respectful of my faith and beliefs, and allows our child to be raised with me in prayer, then I don't think I will pass up the chance for happiness. However, if you know of a nice, single Muslim man who could handle an inquisitive, sharp, intelligent, sometimes judgemental, loving, passionate and dedicated new convert, please feel free to let me know ;-)

And that's it for now... until the next installment... Wasalam u alikum

May God bless and protect you.